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Return to the Living? - LariLee's Hutch

Jan. 10th, 2014 04:48 am Return to the Living?

Sorry to have disappeared yet again.

I've been in a… Blah state? So, I did my usual thing, pulled in and analyzed my feelings. Blech.

Part of it, I think, is feeling a lot of guilt still for mom being in the nursing home. It's not just that I feel I failed her, but it's also guilt over the pleasure I feel when I start doing an activity I gave up to care for her.

Besides writing, which I miss terribly, I used to do things. I did a lot of flower gardening. I love to cook and make candy to give to people. I used to make jewelry. I used to crochet. And I read nearly constantly.

In all fairness, I gave up a lot of activities because I just didn't have the physical stamina to do it and care for both mom and David. And because of the neuropathy. I just didn't have the energy to make the necessary adjustments to keep on doing things I love.

I quit going out. I was a zoo member and went at least once a week. I had to stop that because I had to be home to care for mom. David is really cool about me going out. As long as he has his necessities, he'll call me or text me if there's a problem. But mom… If she wasn't in her right mind, she could injure herself quickly. And when she was in her right mind, she was afraid for me to leave. So no church, no bingo, no movies, no hitting the bars, no lectures, I think you get the picture.

In truth, it bothered me a little bit, still glad to do it to help mom. Now I feel guilty to be doing this stuff. Okay, I know it's stupid… Intellectually, I know it's stupid. I still feel that way.

I'm definitely coming to terms with it… FINALLY!

I have actually been getting some good sleep lately. Yes, another thing to feel guilty over. But after the last couple years of sleep deprivation, you have no idea how much I needed it.

So I had a dream last night about a voodoo queen and her modern day descendent. The deals with the moral question of when is the right time to do something bad. Can you do something morally reprehensible for the greater good? And what is the greater good? Is it, could it be, just something that you really want?

Being of sound mind, I immediately told it to David. He actually seemed impressed by it. Told me to write it down and then outline it right into a story. And I explained that with my hands is screwed up as they are, I can't right. Long story short, ("Too late!" cries the Fearless Reader) He said to get my computer fixed so I can use my Dragon Naturally Speaking again.

I can return to writing! And there was great rejoicing… Which I started to feel guilty about. :-)

Look out fandom Look out world!


Current Location: US, Kentucky, Louisville/Jefferson County metro government (balance), Jefferson, Lower Hunters Trce, 1906

5 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry


Date:January 10th, 2014 11:55 am (UTC)
I can understand how you've been feeling conflicted, but


for getting to be able to do things for yourself :)
Date:January 10th, 2014 01:49 pm (UTC)
dealing with leaving guilt behind myself. you are a good daughter and im sure your mother would hate it that you have been unhappy. yeah for dragon!
Date:January 10th, 2014 06:42 pm (UTC)
In the nursing home, given the circumstances, is the best place for her right now. I hate it, but I am heading back in to one rigt now, because care can be hard.
Date:January 12th, 2014 08:36 pm (UTC)
huzzah! Welcome back.

I understand the guilt of having to have others take care of a loved one, but it's what's best for her, if you can't handle it anymore. She's getting quality care by professionals and you can oversee it and make sure she's happy. Hopefully, you can break free a little and stretch your wings again.

Interesting dream. Going to write it?
Date:January 15th, 2014 12:14 am (UTC)
You have earned the right to write!